ishtar84

killing time

2007-08-05T22:43:42Z

Well, I'm bored and killing time...I should be doing laundry, and I will probably go do that as soon as i get off the computer...Anyhow...
I will sign the lease on my new apartment tonight! and while I'm really excited I'm also bummed cause I hate moving. My sweetie gets back from summer break in two weeks (finally!!). Work is going well, I love the kids. I've lost 13 pounds this summer :) Wow, this is pretty fragmented, but eh, its an update.

Fundraiser

2006-11-28T02:44:17Z

Ok, in case you don't know I work with a little boy who has autism. Working with him has led me to decide to put to work my position as an independent consultant for both Mary Kay and Passion Parties, and create a fundraiser where the proceeds will benefit the treatment of autism. Therefore, starting November 28th and running until December 20th a portion of all profit made will be donated. There will also be a series of gift baskets raffled off, the proceeds of which will be donated. If you can find it in your heart to help out this holiday season (gift baskets make gift giving simple) please check out my websites www.marykay.com/dwillits2 or www.dyanna.yourpassionconsutlant.com or email me at dwillits2@marykay.com. You can also reach me at 312-607-2400. Also feel free to tell others about this fundraiser the more money that can be raised the better, there are many children who deserve treatment but can't afford it, and every little bit helps. Have a safe and happy holiday season and I hope to hear from you!
Dyanna

happiness

2006-09-10T23:50:06Z

This will be brief. Sunny ( my amazing sweetheart) got me a beautiful ring (its blue topaz in the center and pave diamonds on either side set in sterling silver)! I feel so special.

wow...

2006-08-18T18:18:46Z

I really suck at keeping this thing updated. But then i have to internet at my place and i work from 7am to 10pm or midnight every day of the week...this is my first morning off in 21 days, and sadly i have to be to work in less than 2 hours. Oh well, i colored my hair this week, and got it cut. i finally caught up on most of the bills that have been haunting me. trying to get registered for a class at one of the CCC, just so boredom doesn't kill me. there really should be more here, but i've got so many things on my mind that I'm going to go now and try to deal with the many things that need doing.

phone

2006-07-25T15:04:02Z

For anyone who is curious, my phone is back online so I can be reached again.:) (yay) I'm annoyed with certain people for not following through on their end of bargains set forth, but i'm looking to rectify that quickly. Haven't gone to bed before midnight in over a week. Anyone want to get together for Venetian Night this Saturday (7/29)? Alright, back to research for my awesome new job...call if you want details. (312)961-2567

I hope this works

2006-07-14T15:23:59Z

I have an interview on Sunday for the position of "nanny" to two young children. Usually i wouldn't get so excited over this, but this occasion is different. Reason 1: One of the two children in mildly autistic, which means it will count as experience in my field. Reason 2: I will be receiving vital training that will help me in the future. Reason 3: I will be making great contacts, especially since the mom is a psychiatrist herself. Reason 4: I will be getting paid $12-$15 an hour. The down side is that i have to learn how to drive stick...and quickly. I'm really excited and I hope I get this position. Plus i'll still be able to keep my other job, so hopefully i'll be able to dig myself out of this hole. :)

On another note, i've been going out with this new guy...I don't want to get too excited but so far he's pretty much the male version of me, which is awesome. We spend 90% of our time together talking and the rest of the time eating (food is good).

been a while

2006-07-06T05:33:04Z

well...what to say..not having a compy on a regular basis makes updating difficult. Graduated!!! Had a great vacation with my parents. Quit Dunkin' Donuts. Decided I no longer wanted to be Dan's doormat. Found something else that gave my life new purpose and meaning. my phone has been turned off (stupid cingular).

yippie!!!

2006-06-07T19:33:31Z

I'm graduating in 9 days!!!(I know, i'm not actually going to the ceremony, but it will still be official!) Party at dan's place friday night. Call him or me for more details. (or check facebook)
yeah, i'm in class right now, bored, but i'm going to use this time to work on hw for other classes (i still need to finish final assignments)
more later!

vague ramblings

2006-05-22T16:08:36Z

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything of substance, and this probably won't make up for it, because I need to get back to working on homework, but I will try to provide a quick recap. In the last month...I went on a date with someone other than Dan, which provided useful information on what I want and what Dan wants...Dan and I are in the process of working out the kinks that had screwed up our relationship, and there is hope that we will get back together. Being Assitant Manager has its good and bad points, but for the most part things rock. On the down side last week sucked...a friend/coworker was murdered, Traci's granddaddy died, and Tequila (one of my hamsters) died. it sucked.On Saturday I took the Major field exam, so that I could officially graduate. I decided i'm not going to my own graduation ceremony because the change of day screwed up so many plans and really would hurt financially, so i'm not going. what else...there was more, but hell if i can think of it all right now...i'm going to get back to work on homework. i'll try to update this again soon.

great song....

2006-05-03T00:54:24Z

Torn by Letoya Luckett

Verse 1:
A part of me wants to leave you alone
A part of me wants for you to come home
A part of me says I'm livin a lie (and I'm better off without you)
A part of me says to think it through
A part of me says I'm over you
A part of me wants to say goodbye
A part of me is asking why

1st Pre-Chorus:
A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be here with you
and everytime I think that we're over and done
you do something that gets me back lovin you
and you got me just torn

Chorus:
Torn in between the two
Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that I should leave
You aloneeeeeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone)

You got me just torn in between the two
Cuz I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that I should leave
You aloneeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone)

Verse 2:
What hurts the most is when we started out
It was cool it was everything that love’s about
But something happened
Cause I’m feeling so burned out
Becuz I can't understand you now
(I just can't understand you noooowwwww noooooooo oh)
A part of me says it’s all my fault
A part of me says he aint’ what you want
A part of me says to get my bags
A part of me says I can’t do that

2nd Pre-Chorus:
A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be here with you
And everytime I think that it’s over and done
You make me fall back in love
You got me just torn…between the two

Chorus:
Torn in between the two
Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that I should leave
You aloneeeeeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone)

Bridge:
So many times I, I was ready to go
So many times I, had my foot out the door
So many times I, I thought to give him a chance
Thought he’d be a better man
Now I’m sitting here and I’m so confused
Cause I keep fighting myself for you
I don’t know how much more I can take
But I can’t feel this way
YOU GOT ME SO TORN!!!

Chorus:
Torn in between the two
Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that I should leave
You aloneeeeeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone)

roller coaster!

2006-04-27T23:59:40Z

My life is a crazy, busy roller coaster, but i wouldn't change a thing! I'm having a blast, even if i'm exhausted half the time. I just got promoted at DD to assistant manager, and am now making an extra $250 a pay check (minimum) :) School is going great, midterms are next week, which means i graduate in 6 weeks!!!! eeek, that's so weird! I got a new cell phone, and I had my first Passion Party and made $100 :). I'm bored at work, but i have to go now to pack and head off to class...More later...maybe

been a while

2006-04-10T22:53:27Z

So, since i have a few extra minutes, i figured i'd make a quick post. I've been crazy busy lately. MW I work DD from 7-1130am, then i'm in class from 12-8pm, then i get to go home. TR I work DD from 7-1pm, then NP from 2-730pm, then i have class from 8-10pm, then i get to go home. My weekend schedule fluctuates a bit, but I always work Friday from 7am-1pm, and Saturday 6am-2pm, and I always take sunday off! Dan and I got together this weekend and talked some more...I have a better understanding and most of my questions were answered except now I have different questions, the only important one is "if he got bored with the routine before, would he again?" but I'll ask that when and if I ever have to. I wish i didn't think so much like a scientist, then maybe I wouldn't want to know all the inner workings, maybe i could be satisfied with "because". alright, time to get to class

bored at work

2006-04-01T03:10:22Z

Artist: Jimmy Ruffin Lyrics
Song: What Becomes Of The Broken-hearted Lyrics

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
Love's happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion,
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.
The fruits of love grow all around
But for me they come a tumblin' down.
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows
Searching for light
Cold and alone
No comfort in sight,
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin to where
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe.
I'm searching though I don't succeed,
But someone look, there's a growing need.
Oh, he is lost, there's no place for beginning,
All that's left is an unhappy ending.
Now what's become of the broken-hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
I'll be searching everywhere
Just to find someone to care.
I'll be looking everyday
I know I'm gonna find a way
Nothings gonna stop me now
I'll find a way somehow
I'll be searching everywhere

Tina Turner
"What's Love Got To Do With It"

You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it`s only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract

It`s physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that

[Chorus]
Oh whats love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a second hand emotion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

It may seem to you
That i`m acting confused
When you`re close to me
If i tend to look dazed
I`ve read it someplace
I`ve got cause to be

There`s a name for it
There`s a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me

[Chorus]

I`ve been thinking of a new direction
But i have to say
I`ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way

What`s love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

stuff

2006-03-29T00:41:44Z

Ok, so i'm bored at work and this song came on and it got me looking up lyrics...grrrr, i hate my moods lately, one second i'll be on cloud nine, the next i'll be so down...i wish life (and men) came with instruction guides and garuntees...

Artist: Kelly Clarkson
Song: The Trouble With Love Is

Ooooohhh…
Oooohhhh ya
Mmmmm

Love can be a many splendid thing
Has another joy you bring
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you’ll just want the world to see
But like a drunk that makes you blind
It’ll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Now I was just a once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standin in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is (the trouble with love)
It can tear you up inside (it can tear you up in side)
Make your heart believe a lie (Make your heart believe a lie)
Gets stronger then your pride
(The trouble with love is) See your heart its in your soul
(It doesn’t care how fast you fall) You wont remember control (?)
(And you can’t refuse the call)
See you’ve got no say at all
The trouble with love is (Oooo….ya)
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie (the trouble with love..)

Have you ever?
by Hearts N Kansas

Have you ever climbed a tree?
Just to look inside a nest and see inside?
Have you ever climbed a mountain
for the pleasure of accomplishing such a task?
Have you ever swam the ocean
just to reach someone you love?
Have you ever felt a stirring so deep
inside of you?
Have you ever felt the presence of someone
close to you?
Have you ever watched the flight and descent
of a dove?
Have you ever looked in anothers eyes
and saw your reflection?

Have you ever known love?

Artist: Gareth Gates
Song: Unchained Melody Lyrics

Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me
I'll be coming home, wait for me

Oh, my love, my darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long, lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?

I need your love,
I oh I need your love
God speed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me
I'll be coming home, wait for me

Oh, my love, my darling
I've hungered, hungered for your touch
A long, lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?

I need your love,
I oh I need your love
God speed your love to me

Kelly Clarkson "Beautiful Disaster"

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what is after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

[Fading]
Beautiful
(Beautiful disaster)
Beautiful disaster

passage...

2006-03-17T20:07:29Z

"Lisa and Jim had been married for two years. They did everything together. They were never apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental. In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. I have tried everything to cheer him up, but it doesn't work. I want to do fun things together, like going to restaurants, shopping traveling, going to plays, parties, and dancing, but he doesn't. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and work. I try to love him, but I am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with him now is like living with a slug. I don't know what to do. He just won't budge!" After learning about the male intimacy cycle--the rubber band theory--both Lisa and Jim realized what happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to spend more time apart. When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife. Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together."
Everything that I put in italics applies to my current situation with Dan. This was one of the passages that i read yesterday that helped give me hope for the future.

Something else that I realized is that you really put a lot of trust in someone you rely on. If you aren't willing to rely on someone, it probably is due to a lack of trust, fear that they will use any information disclosed to hurt you later.

grrr....its annoying, even though I've realized all this, i still miss him terribly and want him back...I can only hope that he'll return the feelings.

wow

2006-03-17T01:27:51Z

So right now i'm in a really good mood...I'm not entirely sure what's behind this...I think its a combination of things. The fact that I'm almost done with this quarter, that I purged a lot of my feelings and was turly open and honest about a couple things that I'd been bottling up and also because of something I read (i'll post the passage later, but right now i have to go take one of the last four exams of this quarter!)
I love him...that'll never change, but i have faith in fate :)

pondering...

2006-03-16T15:33:45Z

   So yesterday after class Traci and I swung by my place and picked up a couple of things and then we headed up to her place for the night (this was a scheduled girls night because on Tuesday Dan said he just wanted to be friends). We had some great discussions and we watched a couple episodes of Fraggle Rock (she has the DVDs) and then we went and rented two movies, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Dirty Love. I have to say that I love Dirty Love and when I have a few extra bucks I am sooo buying it. The acting is horrible (Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra) but the movie had us cracking up so much.
     While we were talking I did realize something that I hadn't voiced in words before, and I think its important that I do, for my own sake if nothing else. There were times during my relationship where I had some of the same insecurities as Dan did...I wondered if I "loved" him because it was convenient and he was there to play protector, I especially wondered this during arguments...But this ordeal lately has made me realize that i truly to love him, not because it was convenient and easy and always wonderful but because he was real, we told each other so much that very few (if any) others know and we worked through so much together. I also realize that at some point I did cross the line, I forgot that even in a relationship you have to be your own person and love yourself. I can be stubborn and hardheaded, but I admit when I'm wrong...and i did become clingy. I didn't do it on purpose, i was just trying to maintain intimacy and closeness, but i did it nonetheless. I now realize that I do really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and I'm willing to work for it, and I'm willing to risk everything for an opportunity to gain everything. The only time you truly fail is when you fail to try. I know that I can survive on my own, i think I've always know that, and in some ways this "break" is a really good thing. If we (heaven forbid) do end here, I've been reminded of how well I can function all on my own, and I've worked out in my head and heart that I love him, and want the best for him. (not to say i don't want to be selfish and still have him, but yeah...) However, if this is just a break so that we can sort out what's in our hearts and our heads then this will strengthen us and help to remove the guilt and the doubt that has grown and festered over time.
     While I was at Traci's Dan called. He had locked himself out and wanted my copy of the key. Unfortunately I couldn't help becuase I was on the other side of the city. But after he was able to get in to the apartment we talked for a few minutes. He told me that his day had been really crappy because he found out a friend was getting fired and because it had hit him that i was gone. But that he couldn't give into that yet, and honestly I don't want him to...as much as I want him back I think that in order for this period to truly improve the relationship that we both have to open some wounds in order to truly heal. We need to let go of any resentment that has accumulated over the years and take fresh steps forward. While on the phone I asked if the fact that he missed me was a good thing and he said he wasn't sure, that it was too soon to tell. And i agree. As much as i want him back, I want him to work things out for himself first. Though it was interesting that when i offered a listening ear he said that he didn't want to rely on me...and I can't help but wonder if part of this whole situation is because he was feeling "clingy" too. I hope he learns one day that relying on friends isn't being needy or clingy, its a way of releasing and relaxing.
    At the end of the day I know how strong I am and how i'll hold up. I still want him back and i love him more than anything...but I'm going to take the risk and let him have his space and his time. I know that in the end the result might not be what i want, but nothing worthwhile is gotten without some risk.
   Alright, i need to go do hw, but this purge has really helped.

note to self

2006-03-14T22:55:26Z

Montgomery Gentry - She Don't Tell Me To

Every now an' then, on my home,
I stop at a spot where the wild flowers grow, an' I pick a few,
'Cause she don't tell me to.
I go out with my boys all right,
But most of the time I call it a night before they do,
'Cause she don't tell me to.
Sunday mornin', I'm in church,
An' my butt an' my back an' necktie hurt, but I'm in the pew,
She don't tell me to.

Any other woman I know would have tried,
To control me and it would be over.
Plannin' on my goin' on my own way attitude.
All of that stubborness melts away,
When I wake with her head on my shoulder,
An' I know I've got to love her,
Until my life is through,
'Cause she don't tell me to.

Well, I got demons and I've got pride,
But when I'm wrong, I apologise like she's mine to lose,
'Cause she don't tell me to.
Well, I got dreams in this heart of mine,
But nothin' that I wouldn't lay aside if she asked me to.
'Cause she don't tell me to.
An' she don't even know,
That she keeps lookin' for the next right thing to do,
'Cause she don't tell me to.
Yeah, yeah.

Any other woman I know would have tried,
To control me and it would be over.
Plannin' on my goin' on my own way attitude.
And all of that stubborness melts away,
When I wake with her head on my shoulder,
An' I know I've got to love her,
Until my life is through,
What else can I do?
What else can I do?
Whoa, I love her,
'Cause she don't tell me to.
She don't tell me to.

Every now an' then, on my home,
I stop at a spot where the wild flowers grow, an' I pick a few,
Yes I do.

something to help me...

2006-03-14T22:44:58Z

This is weird...I'm doing better about certain subjects (Dan), but other things are tripping me up. I was threatened by a coworker today, which is totally uncool. When I called to get the gas service transfered to my name they said that they hadn't recieved a fax of my lease yet, or if they had it didn't have my account number on it and they would need to know what day it was faxed, unfortunately I am not sure when Dan faxed it, so the whole process is left in limbo. What sucks is that he still has my lease and I need to get it back, and insure that it gets to them because otherwise my gas will be turned off. In other news, the end of the quarter arrives next week! I'm so close to being done! I have so many projects I need to finish first, which sucks cause I don't have an operational compy at home. I'm also looking at new jobs and have a few interviews lined up...the only problem there is that I forgot to forward myself a copy of my resume from Dan's computer when I was there on sunday, so i have to ask him (and therefore become "needy") or find a way to retype the entire thing, again...grrr
So I think i'm going to compile a list of songs and quotes that help boost my moral.

Overwhelming by Everclear

It can come from out of nowhere,
hit you when you're safe and warm.
Take it easy, my star your time is gonna come,
your time is gonna come.

Yeah, you got those crazy blue eyes.
You got those crazy blues.
All those pretty smiles,
I can see them laughing at you.
Your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come.

I don't wanna be your punching bag,
your complacent little princess all tragic and sad.
I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore.
Yeah, you say you got this bad thing, you say you've got it bad.
You have broken every heart of every friend you've ever had.
Yeah, the time is gonna come when all your friends just go away.
I wonder why you stick around, sometimes I wish you would leave.
You say you love me forever, then you spit on me.
Your time is gonna come,
I swear your time is gonna come.

I don't want to be your whipping boy.
Yes, your happy little loser, someone you can ignore.
I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore.
I'm not gonna let you hurt me anymore.
I'm not gonna let you hit me anymore.
No, I will not let you kick me anymore.
I will not let you overwhelm me anymore.

It can come from out of nowhere.
I don't want to be your simple saving grace,
just another little victim with a happy face.
Someday, someday soon, somebody's gonna come,
I hope they do this to you.

I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me.
I will not let you hurt me anymore.
No, I will not let you hit me anymore.
I will not let you twist me anymore.
No, I will not let you turn me inside out.

Here's a toast:
To rising up, beyond the problems and moving on,
because nobody -not anybody-
is worth tying your spirit down and not loving yourself.

"You can't always be happy, but you can always be cheerful"

hmmm

2006-03-11T00:42:56Z

so i've been thinking...why would his dad say he was better off without me if he did indeed tell dad that we were still dating?! something in the conversation just doesn't add up. I'm by no means better, though i realized i'm going through the stages of grief...denial, questioning, bargaining, and finally acceptance (which i haven't gotten to yet). i think what i have to do is truly outline what i'm feeling, sit down and explain it without him interupting (i'll ducttape his mouth shut if i have to), and then proceed from there. One thing that i don't think he realizes is just how strong i really am...everytime we start talking about this i crumble, because he's there...but when i'm talking to friends or own my own i tend to be a lot better off. I do love myself, respect myself, and I will be able to walk away if i need to...I think part of why i don't want to is the money issue...not that i want more from him, but i fell like i owe him so much and if i walk then in some screwed up form he might always think that i was using him for the money, which i wasn't. I love hime more than anything except myself, and i don't know what i'm going to do about my current indecision.
alrighty time to go back to work

This will be depressing...

2006-03-09T22:10:42Z

you have been warned, this post will not be happy, cheerful, or even remotely upbeat...hell, it probably won't even be all that coherent. And there will be some foul language...but that's allowed cause this is my journal.
Where to begin..I'm tired and sick and never seem to get anywhere. Even though i've accomplished a lot this week..opened a new checking account and a savings account, am in the process of getting insurance again, doing research on consolidating loans...not to mention the usual school and work bs. But that is where the "happiness" ends.
Yesterday was supposed to be a date for Dan and I, the first since I moved out of the apartment over the weekend. I was really excited about it, it was like we were starting all over again and I was so happy, and telling everyone that i had a date with my awesome boyfriend. At about 5:45pm Dan called to say that his dad was dropping off the car and that he would come get me for dinner after he took his dad home. no biggie...Until i still hadn't heard from him by 8:30pm, at which point i started to worry a little because the weather was crappy and he wasn't answering his damn phone. He finally answers around 9 to say that he'll be at my apartment in a few minutes. He smells like alcohol when he comes in, and i wig out..partly cause he's driving and partly cause he's so late. He then tells me that he spent the evening with his father and his father's fiance, and he "lost track of time" and didn't think to call me cause the date wasn't that big a deal to him, he didn't realize that i was waiting to eat until he got there. He was even callous enough to say he only made the date because he felt he "had" to because he said we would continue dating after I moved out. That he didn't miss me as much as he had hoped he would...In fact that he was getting more done and was in better spirits without me, that his dad even said that he seemed happier now that i wasn't around all the time. Which crushed me...1, how the hell would his father know, he barely ever saw us, 2, his father's opinion obviously means more than his supposed amount of love for me! He swears that it doesn't figure in, but i think he's full of shit. We then spent about two hours going back and forth, discussing what we "wanted". and even while his words were saying one thing, his actions say another, and i don't know which to believe. One thing that he did express over and over was how great a friend i was and how he absolutely didn't want to lose...but i don't see how "just being friends" would work... And then there's the fact that he apparently didn't realize that the biggest reason i moved in with him was because he had proposed and I honestly believed him...I guess I'm just really naive. It kills me because I have stood up and defended him so many times against so many people and yet i apparently am not worth standing up for. Then there's the fact that I keep asking myself what i did wrong, why i'm not good enough to keep him happy, and I realized that some of the advice i gave to someone else a while a go was a load of shit. I keep asking myself what I could have done differently...its funny (not really), I'm talking like its officially over, which it still isn't, but the light at the end of the tunnel that was giving me hope just went from a huge gap to a tiny pin prick. My heart feels like it is physically breaking, I just don't know what i should do... there's a piece of me that says I should not give him the satisfaction of hurting me more than he already has, and a piece that says to hold on...he'll realize how wonderful we are together, and another that says that if I were to cut the cord completely that I would give him what he wants and he still wins...and I hate that. I hate that I have no control over this, and that i don't know what the outcome is going to be. I hate that I'm beating myself up over this, when i should be saying "his loss", but i just can't...i love him so much, and i don't know how to move forward. I know with time i can...but I'm so hurt, and I want him so much..but i want him to be happy too, and right now it seems like being with me will not achieve that result..So i will do what I always do, put his happiness first and make myself more miserable...which is stupid, but no one ever said I was smart. It really sucks because he says he wants me to be happy, and i really don't know if that's an option at this point. I'm sick of this game, this tug-of-war, we're playing. I'm sick of the fact that he is so confused that even when he speaks and acts he doesn't send the same messages. I'm sick of the fact that i want to analyze the relationship to look for the smallest rays of hope, instead of analyzing myself and finding the strength to make a decision. Damn it, why can't he love me as much and in the same way as I love him?! and if he does why can't he freakin realize it?!
Anyhow...i need to go work on a paper so that's all that I'm going to write for now...but i would appriciate any advice and or support, cause right now i feel really lost and confused.

Happiness!

2006-03-03T19:52:06Z

alright, so i'm really not that happy, but things are decent. I spent my first night in my new apartment all by myself. Discovered that the heat doesn't circulate very well into the bedroom, and so woke up freezing half way through the night. Other than that, registering for my last quarter of classes as an undergrad! Work is decent. ummm...yeah, i'm tired, and killing time on campus before going to work at Navy Pier. Need to finish moving this weekend, and get final papers cranked out. alright, going to go do other stuff...more later.

well...

2006-02-23T17:42:24Z

I signed the lease and put the security deposit down on my very own apt yesterday. I'm currently trying to finish a 15pg paper that is due in 30 minutes (i'll get there, i hope)(thank goodness this only has to be a draft). i feel like crap. I have two exams tonight. Oh well, i should be able to relax a little after i get off work on Saturday..Going to go finish this evil paper.

bored at work

2006-02-18T03:05:02Z

I found this and it cracked me up. I hope it amuses you too.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask, because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of
your closest friends, then get depressed because you
can only think of 4.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel

my craziness

2006-02-17T22:49:22Z

so this is my schedule for next week
Monday: class 2-4, work NP 4:30-8 (this is different than usual cause its a "holiday")
Tuesday: work DD 7-11:45, class 12-2, class 6-10
Wednesday: work DD 7-1, class 2-4
Thursday: work DD 7-11:45, class 12-2, class 6-10
Friday: work DD 7-1, work NP 4-10
Saturday: work DD 6-2

Tomorrow I work DD from 6-1 and then I'm looking at apartments in the afternoon, then i'll probably be going over and hanging out with friends for a little bit
Sunday will be spent massively cramming in hw assignments

now the fun part is that not only do i have my regular schedule, but i need to do serious apartment hunting, more than the handful i'll be seeing tomorrow, pack, do hw (stupid final projects), register for spring classes, travel from one location to the next, look for a new job, eat, and take care of personal stuff, etc....

Therefore, if i snap at you, its probably not you, I'm just stressed. I'm sorry if you become a target for rage, but, life ain't fair! K, me go back to work now