Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ishtar84's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, August 5th, 2007
5:43 pm	killing time Well, I'm bored and killing time...I should be doing laundry, and I will probably go do that as soon as i get off the computer...Anyhow... I will sign the lease on my new apartment tonight! and while I'm really excited I'm also bummed cause I hate moving. My sweetie gets back from summer break in two weeks (finally!!). Work is going well, I love the kids. I've lost 13 pounds this summer :) Wow, this is pretty fragmented, but eh, its an update. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Monday, November 27th, 2006
9:44 pm	Fundraiser Ok, in case you don't know I work with a little boy who has autism. Working with him has led me to decide to put to work my position as an independent consultant for both Mary Kay and Passion Parties, and create a fundraiser where the proceeds will benefit the treatment of autism. Therefore, starting November 28th and running until December 20th a portion of all profit made will be donated. There will also be a series of gift baskets raffled off, the proceeds of which will be donated. If you can find it in your heart to help out this holiday season (gift baskets make gift giving simple) please check out my websites www.marykay.com/dwillits2 or www.dyanna.yourpassionconsutlant.com or email me at dwillits2@marykay.com. You can also reach me at 312-607-2400. Also feel free to tell others about this fundraiser the more money that can be raised the better, there are many children who deserve treatment but can't afford it, and every little bit helps. Have a safe and happy holiday season and I hope to hear from you! Dyanna Current Mood: excited (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
6:47 pm	happiness This will be brief. Sunny ( my amazing sweetheart) got me a beautiful ring (its blue topaz in the center and pave diamonds on either side set in sterling silver)! I feel so special. Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Friday, August 18th, 2006
1:11 pm	wow... I really suck at keeping this thing updated. But then i have to internet at my place and i work from 7am to 10pm or midnight every day of the week...this is my first morning off in 21 days, and sadly i have to be to work in less than 2 hours. Oh well, i colored my hair this week, and got it cut. i finally caught up on most of the bills that have been haunting me. trying to get registered for a class at one of the CCC, just so boredom doesn't kill me. there really should be more here, but i've got so many things on my mind that I'm going to go now and try to deal with the many things that need doing. Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 25th, 2006
10:05 am	phone For anyone who is curious, my phone is back online so I can be reached again.:) (yay) I'm annoyed with certain people for not following through on their end of bargains set forth, but i'm looking to rectify that quickly. Haven't gone to bed before midnight in over a week. Anyone want to get together for Venetian Night this Saturday (7/29)? Alright, back to research for my awesome new job...call if you want details. (312)961-2567 Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Friday, July 14th, 2006
10:21 am	I hope this works I have an interview on Sunday for the position of "nanny" to two young children. Usually i wouldn't get so excited over this, but this occasion is different. Reason 1: One of the two children in mildly autistic, which means it will count as experience in my field. Reason 2: I will be receiving vital training that will help me in the future. Reason 3: I will be making great contacts, especially since the mom is a psychiatrist herself. Reason 4: I will be getting paid $12-$15 an hour. The down side is that i have to learn how to drive stick...and quickly. I'm really excited and I hope I get this position. Plus i'll still be able to keep my other job, so hopefully i'll be able to dig myself out of this hole. :) On another note, i've been going out with this new guy...I don't want to get too excited but so far he's pretty much the male version of me, which is awesome. We spend 90% of our time together talking and the rest of the time eating (food is good). Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
12:29 am	been a while well...what to say..not having a compy on a regular basis makes updating difficult. Graduated!!! Had a great vacation with my parents. Quit Dunkin' Donuts. Decided I no longer wanted to be Dan's doormat. Found something else that gave my life new purpose and meaning. my phone has been turned off (stupid cingular). Current Mood: ecstatic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
2:31 pm	yippie!!! I'm graduating in 9 days!!!(I know, i'm not actually going to the ceremony, but it will still be official!) Party at dan's place friday night. Call him or me for more details. (or check facebook) yeah, i'm in class right now, bored, but i'm going to use this time to work on hw for other classes (i still need to finish final assignments) more later! Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
11:00 am	vague ramblings It has been a very long time since I have posted anything of substance, and this probably won't make up for it, because I need to get back to working on homework, but I will try to provide a quick recap. In the last month...I went on a date with someone other than Dan, which provided useful information on what I want and what Dan wants...Dan and I are in the process of working out the kinks that had screwed up our relationship, and there is hope that we will get back together. Being Assitant Manager has its good and bad points, but for the most part things rock. On the down side last week sucked...a friend/coworker was murdered, Traci's granddaddy died, and Tequila (one of my hamsters) died. it sucked.On Saturday I took the Major field exam, so that I could officially graduate. I decided i'm not going to my own graduation ceremony because the change of day screwed up so many plans and really would hurt financially, so i'm not going. what else...there was more, but hell if i can think of it all right now...i'm going to get back to work on homework. i'll try to update this again soon. Current Mood: busy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
7:52 pm	great song.... Torn by Letoya Luckett Verse 1: A part of me wants to leave you alone A part of me wants for you to come home A part of me says I'm livin a lie (and I'm better off without you) A part of me says to think it through A part of me says I'm over you A part of me wants to say goodbye A part of me is asking why 1st Pre-Chorus: A part of me wants to leave But a part of me wants to be here with you and everytime I think that we're over and done you do something that gets me back lovin you and you got me just torn Chorus: Torn in between the two Cause I really wanna be with you But something is telling me that I should leave You aloneeeeeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone) You got me just torn in between the two Cuz I really wanna be with you But something is telling me that I should leave You aloneeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone) Verse 2: What hurts the most is when we started out It was cool it was everything that love’s about But something happened Cause I’m feeling so burned out Becuz I can't understand you now (I just can't understand you noooowwwww noooooooo oh) A part of me says it’s all my fault A part of me says he aint’ what you want A part of me says to get my bags A part of me says I can’t do that 2nd Pre-Chorus: A part of me wants to leave But a part of me wants to be here with you And everytime I think that it’s over and done You make me fall back in love You got me just torn…between the two Chorus: Torn in between the two Cause I really wanna be with you But something is telling me that I should leave You aloneeeeeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone) Bridge: So many times I, I was ready to go So many times I, had my foot out the door So many times I, I thought to give him a chance Thought he’d be a better man Now I’m sitting here and I’m so confused Cause I keep fighting myself for you I don’t know how much more I can take But I can’t feel this way YOU GOT ME SO TORN!!! Chorus: Torn in between the two Cause I really wanna be with you But something is telling me that I should leave You aloneeeeeeee (leave you alone, leave you alone) Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
6:55 pm	roller coaster! My life is a crazy, busy roller coaster, but i wouldn't change a thing! I'm having a blast, even if i'm exhausted half the time. I just got promoted at DD to assistant manager, and am now making an extra $250 a pay check (minimum) :) School is going great, midterms are next week, which means i graduate in 6 weeks!!!! eeek, that's so weird! I got a new cell phone, and I had my first Passion Party and made $100 :). I'm bored at work, but i have to go now to pack and head off to class...More later...maybe Current Mood: devious (Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
5:41 pm	been a while So, since i have a few extra minutes, i figured i'd make a quick post. I've been crazy busy lately. MW I work DD from 7-1130am, then i'm in class from 12-8pm, then i get to go home. TR I work DD from 7-1pm, then NP from 2-730pm, then i have class from 8-10pm, then i get to go home. My weekend schedule fluctuates a bit, but I always work Friday from 7am-1pm, and Saturday 6am-2pm, and I always take sunday off! Dan and I got together this weekend and talked some more...I have a better understanding and most of my questions were answered except now I have different questions, the only important one is "if he got bored with the routine before, would he again?" but I'll ask that when and if I ever have to. I wish i didn't think so much like a scientist, then maybe I wouldn't want to know all the inner workings, maybe i could be satisfied with "because". alright, time to get to class Current Mood: meh (Comment on this)
Friday, March 31st, 2006
9:06 pm	bored at work Artist: Jimmy Ruffin Lyrics Song: What Becomes Of The Broken-hearted Lyrics As I walk this land with broken dreams I have visions of many things Love's happiness is just an illusion Filled with sadness and confusion, What becomes of the broken hearted Who had love that's now departed? I know I've got to find Some kind of peace of mind Maybe. The fruits of love grow all around But for me they come a tumblin' down. Every day heartaches grow a little stronger I can't stand this pain much longer I walk in shadows Searching for light Cold and alone No comfort in sight, Hoping and praying for someone to care Always moving and goin to where What becomes of the broken hearted Who had love that's now departed? I know I've got to find Some kind of peace of mind Maybe. I'm searching though I don't succeed, But someone look, there's a growing need. Oh, he is lost, there's no place for beginning, All that's left is an unhappy ending. Now what's become of the broken-hearted Who had love that's now departed? I know I've got to find Some kind of peace of mind I'll be searching everywhere Just to find someone to care. I'll be looking everyday I know I'm gonna find a way Nothings gonna stop me now I'll find a way somehow I'll be searching everywhere Tina Turner "What's Love Got To Do With It" You must understand That the touch of your hand Makes my pulse react That it`s only the thrill Of boy meeting girl Opposites attract It`s physical Only logical You must try to ignore That it means more than that [Chorus] Oh whats love got to do, got to do with it What`s love but a second hand emotion What`s love got to do, got to do with it Who needs a heart When a heart can be broken It may seem to you That i`m acting confused When you`re close to me If i tend to look dazed I`ve read it someplace I`ve got cause to be There`s a name for it There`s a phrase that fits But whatever the reason You do it for me [Chorus] I`ve been thinking of a new direction But i have to say I`ve been thinking about my own protection It scares me to feel this way What`s love got to do, got to do with it What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion What`s love got to do, got to do with it Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
6:33 pm	stuff Ok, so i'm bored at work and this song came on and it got me looking up lyrics...grrrr, i hate my moods lately, one second i'll be on cloud nine, the next i'll be so down...i wish life (and men) came with instruction guides and garuntees... Artist: Kelly Clarkson Song: The Trouble With Love Is Ooooohhh… Oooohhhh ya Mmmmm Love can be a many splendid thing Has another joy you bring A dozen roses Diamond rings Dreams for sale And fairy tales It’ll make you hear a symphony And you’ll just want the world to see But like a drunk that makes you blind It’ll fool you every time The trouble with love is It can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie Gets stronger then your pride The trouble with love is It doesn’t care how fast you fall And you can’t refuse the call See you’ve got no say at all Now I was just a once a fool it’s true I played the game by all the rules But now my world’s a deeper blue I’m sadder but I’m wiser too I swore I’d never love again I swore my heart would never mend Said love wasn’t worth the pain But then I hear it call my name The trouble with love is It can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie Gets stronger then your pride The trouble with love is It doesn’t care how fast you fall And you can’t refuse the call See you’ve got no say at all Every time I turn around I think I’ve got it all My heart keeps callin And I keep on fallin Over and over again This set story always ends the same Me standin in the pouring rain It seems no matter what I do It tears my heart in two The trouble with love is (the trouble with love) It can tear you up inside (it can tear you up in side) Make your heart believe a lie (Make your heart believe a lie) Gets stronger then your pride (The trouble with love is) See your heart its in your soul (It doesn’t care how fast you fall) You wont remember control (?) (And you can’t refuse the call) See you’ve got no say at all The trouble with love is (Oooo….ya) It can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie (the trouble with love..) Have you ever? by Hearts N Kansas Have you ever climbed a tree? Just to look inside a nest and see inside? Have you ever climbed a mountain for the pleasure of accomplishing such a task? Have you ever swam the ocean just to reach someone you love? Have you ever felt a stirring so deep inside of you? Have you ever felt the presence of someone close to you? Have you ever watched the flight and descent of a dove? Have you ever looked in anothers eyes and saw your reflection? Have you ever known love? Artist: Gareth Gates Song: Unchained Melody Lyrics Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea To the open arms of the sea Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me I'll be coming home, wait for me Oh, my love, my darling I've hungered for your touch A long, lonely time And time goes by so slowly And time can do so much Are you still mine? I need your love, I oh I need your love God speed your love to me Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea To the open arms of the sea Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me I'll be coming home, wait for me Oh, my love, my darling I've hungered, hungered for your touch A long, lonely time And time goes by so slowly And time can do so much Are you still mine? I need your love, I oh I need your love God speed your love to me Kelly Clarkson "Beautiful Disaster" He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme I know He’s as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold And if I try to save him My whole world could cave in It just ain't right It just ain't right Oh and I don't know I don't know what is after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster He's magic and myth As strong as what I believe A tragedy with More damage than a soul should see And do I try to change him? So hard not to blame him Hold on tight Hold on tight Oh 'cause I don't know I don't know what is after But he’s so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster I'm longing for love and the logical But he's only happy hysterical I'm waiting for some kind of miracle Waited so long So long He’s soft to the touch But frayed at the end he breaks He’s never enough And still he's more than I can take Oh 'cause I don't know I don't know what is after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful? Or just a beautiful disaster He’s beautiful Such a beautiful disaster [Fading] Beautiful (Beautiful disaster) Beautiful disaster Current Mood: I just don't know (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
1:47 pm	passage... "Lisa and Jim had been married for two years. They did everything together. They were never apart. After a while, Jim became increasingly irritable, passive, moody, and temperamental. In a private counseling session, Lisa told me, "He is no longer any fun to be with. I have tried everything to cheer him up, but it doesn't work. I want to do fun things together, like going to restaurants, shopping traveling, going to plays, parties, and dancing, but he doesn't. We never do anything anymore. We just watch TV, eat, sleep, and work. I try to love him, but I am angry. He used to be so charming and romantic. Living with him now is like living with a slug. I don't know what to do. He just won't budge!" After learning about the male intimacy cycle--the rubber band theory--both Lisa and Jim realized what happened. They were spending too much time together. Jim and Lisa needed to spend more time apart. When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife. Lisa also thought they were supposed to do everything together."  Everything that I put in italics applies to my current situation with Dan. This was one of the passages that i read yesterday that helped give me hope for the future. Something else that I realized is that you really put a lot of trust in someone you rely on. If you aren't willing to rely on someone, it probably is due to a lack of trust, fear that they will use any information disclosed to hurt you later.  grrr....its annoying, even though I've realized all this, i still miss him terribly and want him back...I can only hope that he'll return the feelings. Current Mood: contemplative (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
7:24 pm	wow So right now i'm in a really good mood...I'm not entirely sure what's behind this...I think its a combination of things. The fact that I'm almost done with this quarter, that I purged a lot of my feelings and was turly open and honest about a couple things that I'd been bottling up and also because of something I read (i'll post the passage later, but right now i have to go take one of the last four exams of this quarter!) I love him...that'll never change, but i have faith in fate :) Current Mood: energetic (Comment on this)
8:43 am	pondering...     So yesterday after class Traci and I swung by my place and picked up a couple of things and then we headed up to her place for the night (this was a scheduled girls night because on Tuesday Dan said he just wanted to be friends). We had some great discussions and we watched a couple episodes of Fraggle Rock (she has the DVDs) and then we went and rented two movies, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Dirty Love. I have to say that I love Dirty Love and when I have a few extra bucks I am sooo buying it. The acting is horrible (Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra) but the movie had us cracking up so much.      While we were talking I did realize something that I hadn't voiced in words before, and I think its important that I do, for my own sake if nothing else. There were times during my relationship where I had some of the same insecurities as Dan did...I wondered if I "loved" him because it was convenient and he was there to play protector, I especially wondered this during arguments...But this ordeal lately has made me realize that i truly to love him, not because it was convenient and easy and always wonderful but because he was real, we told each other so much that very few (if any) others know and we worked through so much together. I also realize that at some point I did cross the line, I forgot that even in a relationship you have to be your own person and love yourself. I can be stubborn and hardheaded, but I admit when I'm wrong...and i did become clingy. I didn't do it on purpose, i was just trying to maintain intimacy and closeness, but i did it nonetheless. I now realize that I do really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and I'm willing to work for it, and I'm willing to risk everything for an opportunity to gain everything. The only time you truly fail is when you fail to try. I know that I can survive on my own, i think I've always know that, and in some ways this "break" is a really good thing. If we (heaven forbid) do end here, I've been reminded of how well I can function all on my own, and I've worked out in my head and heart that I love him, and want the best for him. (not to say i don't want to be selfish and still have him, but yeah...) However, if this is just a break so that we can sort out what's in our hearts and our heads then this will strengthen us and help to remove the guilt and the doubt that has grown and festered over time.      While I was at Traci's Dan called. He had locked himself out and wanted my copy of the key. Unfortunately I couldn't help becuase I was on the other side of the city. But after he was able to get in to the apartment we talked for a few minutes. He told me that his day had been really crappy because he found out a friend was getting fired and because it had hit him that i was gone. But that he couldn't give into that yet, and honestly I don't want him to...as much as I want him back I think that in order for this period to truly improve the relationship that we both have to open some wounds in order to truly heal. We need to let go of any resentment that has accumulated over the years and take fresh steps forward. While on the phone I asked if the fact that he missed me was a good thing and he said he wasn't sure, that it was too soon to tell. And i agree. As much as i want him back, I want him to work things out for himself first. Though it was interesting that when i offered a listening ear he said that he didn't want to rely on me...and I can't help but wonder if part of this whole situation is because he was feeling "clingy" too. I hope he learns one day that relying on friends isn't being needy or clingy, its a way of releasing and relaxing.      At the end of the day I know how strong I am and how i'll hold up. I still want him back and i love him more than anything...but I'm going to take the risk and let him have his space and his time. I know that in the end the result might not be what i want, but nothing worthwhile is gotten without some risk.     Alright, i need to go do hw, but this purge has really helped. Current Mood: loving, busy, crazy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
4:51 pm	note to self Montgomery Gentry - She Don't Tell Me To Every now an' then, on my home, I stop at a spot where the wild flowers grow, an' I pick a few, 'Cause she don't tell me to. I go out with my boys all right, But most of the time I call it a night before they do, 'Cause she don't tell me to. Sunday mornin', I'm in church, An' my butt an' my back an' necktie hurt, but I'm in the pew, She don't tell me to. Any other woman I know would have tried, To control me and it would be over. Plannin' on my goin' on my own way attitude. All of that stubborness melts away, When I wake with her head on my shoulder, An' I know I've got to love her, Until my life is through, 'Cause she don't tell me to. Well, I got demons and I've got pride, But when I'm wrong, I apologise like she's mine to lose, 'Cause she don't tell me to. Well, I got dreams in this heart of mine, But nothin' that I wouldn't lay aside if she asked me to. 'Cause she don't tell me to. An' she don't even know, That she keeps lookin' for the next right thing to do, 'Cause she don't tell me to. Yeah, yeah. Any other woman I know would have tried, To control me and it would be over. Plannin' on my goin' on my own way attitude. And all of that stubborness melts away, When I wake with her head on my shoulder, An' I know I've got to love her, Until my life is through, What else can I do? What else can I do? Whoa, I love her, 'Cause she don't tell me to. She don't tell me to. Every now an' then, on my home, I stop at a spot where the wild flowers grow, an' I pick a few, Yes I do. (Comment on this)
4:28 pm	something to help me... This is weird...I'm doing better about certain subjects (Dan), but other things are tripping me up. I was threatened by a coworker today, which is totally uncool. When I called to get the gas service transfered to my name they said that they hadn't recieved a fax of my lease yet, or if they had it didn't have my account number on it and they would need to know what day it was faxed, unfortunately I am not sure when Dan faxed it, so the whole process is left in limbo. What sucks is that he still has my lease and I need to get it back, and insure that it gets to them because otherwise my gas will be turned off. In other news, the end of the quarter arrives next week! I'm so close to being done! I have so many projects I need to finish first, which sucks cause I don't have an operational compy at home. I'm also looking at new jobs and have a few interviews lined up...the only problem there is that I forgot to forward myself a copy of my resume from Dan's computer when I was there on sunday, so i have to ask him (and therefore become "needy") or find a way to retype the entire thing, again...grrr So I think i'm going to compile a list of songs and quotes that help boost my moral. Overwhelming by Everclear It can come from out of nowhere, hit you when you're safe and warm. Take it easy, my star your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come. Yeah, you got those crazy blue eyes. You got those crazy blues. All those pretty smiles, I can see them laughing at you. Your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come. I don't wanna be your punching bag, your complacent little princess all tragic and sad. I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore. Yeah, you say you got this bad thing, you say you've got it bad. You have broken every heart of every friend you've ever had. Yeah, the time is gonna come when all your friends just go away. I wonder why you stick around, sometimes I wish you would leave. You say you love me forever, then you spit on me. Your time is gonna come, I swear your time is gonna come. I don't want to be your whipping boy. Yes, your happy little loser, someone you can ignore. I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore. I'm not gonna let you hurt me anymore. I'm not gonna let you hit me anymore. No, I will not let you kick me anymore. I will not let you overwhelm me anymore. It can come from out of nowhere. I don't want to be your simple saving grace, just another little victim with a happy face. Someday, someday soon, somebody's gonna come, I hope they do this to you. I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me. I will not let you hurt me anymore. No, I will not let you hit me anymore. I will not let you twist me anymore. No, I will not let you turn me inside out. Here's a toast: To rising up, beyond the problems and moving on, because nobody -not anybody- is worth tying your spirit down and not loving yourself.  "You can't always be happy, but you can always be cheerful" Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, March 10th, 2006
6:30 pm	hmmm so i've been thinking...why would his dad say he was better off without me if he did indeed tell dad that we were still dating?! something in the conversation just doesn't add up. I'm by no means better, though i realized i'm going through the stages of grief...denial, questioning, bargaining, and finally acceptance (which i haven't gotten to yet). i think what i have to do is truly outline what i'm feeling, sit down and explain it without him interupting (i'll ducttape his mouth shut if i have to), and then proceed from there. One thing that i don't think he realizes is just how strong i really am...everytime we start talking about this i crumble, because he's there...but when i'm talking to friends or own my own i tend to be a lot better off. I do love myself, respect myself, and I will be able to walk away if i need to...I think part of why i don't want to is the money issue...not that i want more from him, but i fell like i owe him so much and if i walk then in some screwed up form he might always think that i was using him for the money, which i wasn't. I love hime more than anything except myself, and i don't know what i'm going to do about my current indecision. alrighty time to go back to work Current Mood: hungry (1 Comment |Comment on this)